6 things that could happen when you encounter a Nigerian soldier

The Nigerian Army is the most famous military in West Africa. We have restored peace in several West African Nations by means of superior firepower. Who cares how we did it? We did it anyway.

NIgerian army

The following happens when you meet Nigerian soldiers in Nigeria.

1. You could get protected.

Nigeria-Army

Because that’s what the army is about. To serve and to protect. You could have your villages liberated from terrorists, you could have hundreds of Nigerians freed from the shackles of terror-borne slavery. A soldier is fighting in the trenches while you are at home, in the warmth of your bed. Thank a soldier today.

2. You could get taxed.

A Nigerian military officer directs civilians at a checkpoint along Sapele-Warr road in the Niger Delta region

Lets face it; for the amount of work soldiers get to do, the salary might not actually do much for the morale. So to make up for that, there are things called checkpoints, where you have to pay some money to pass through sometimes. Its not a bribe. Honest. Its just, you know, a show of gratitude that you appreciate the work they are doing.

So this is what you should do if you are wearing an explosive vest and a checkpoint is standing between you and your path to a thousand bits of exploded flesh. Get 500 naira. Get to a checkpoint. Thank them for the work they are doing. Then you can hand them the money so they can buy airtime and call their loved ones back home. Go on your way.

3. You might get your ass whooped.

Soldier-Punishment

You did mscheww for MOPOL right? Try breathing too hard for a Nigerian soldier. My friend, you will sweat. You will frog jump till your thighs are screaming “cut me off”. This is good for your fitness, so please thank them for their effort. Ask that guy who still hasn’t gotten over the ass whooping he got when he complimented a female soldier’s beauty. Or ask those policemen who get beaten to shape for trying to rub shoulders.

 

4. You could get your bus burnt.

Burnt BRT bus

Like, why would you even be in the way of the Supreme Nigerian Army? Those BRT buses had it coming! You deserve every punishment that you get when you question the infallibility of a soldier. You disgrace your country!

5. You could get your phone smashed.

This is normal everywhere. On issues of national security and classified stuff, everything must be done to make sure it stays secret, even if your phone is getting smashed.

Soldiers beating

Amnesty International/Youtube

Like, why would you want to take a picture of a soldier beating a civilian till his forehead is an open dam of blood? Rude.

6. You could get shot.

Yep. When you’re annoying enough, you could get shot and if there’s enough time, buried in a shallow grave. You could get shot like that time after Mohammed Yusuf and the Gang were on rampage in Maiduguri and soldiers were going house to house, bringing out suspects, some in crutches, and shooting them at point blank range.

Soldier executing

Or that time when they were defending themselves against the Shi’a in Kaduna, and killed a huge bunch of them and littered the street as a fashion statement. Fuck human rights. There’s no need to mention places like Baga. Boring.

Its over

One thing we must admit is this; our soldiers do a lot. They man our checkpoints, they are our gym instructors, our government-approved mob, our Defence against the Dark Arts of Lord Shekau, and sometimes, our executioners, all at once.

Clapping crying

If you can’t give it to them for anything, at least give it to them for multitasking.

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